I have been cheated before. I think I see through situations well, but this seeing came at a great cost. Aside from the many times that I gave too much of my time to the wrong people, there was a time some years ago when I trusted too much and too easily and lost a great deal of money to thieves. So, despite all the signs of doing business with a legitimate company, to this day there is part of me that is afraid it is not legitimate, is somehow a set up stealing all that I have. Against the measured common sense I use to direct myself, there is this almost constantly nervous sentinel inside of me that, having slept through its watch, is afraid of missing something again.
I want to be the holy Fool, the trusting only half human prince who steps off the edge of the world with his wallet of wealth strapped to his back, who is journeying in joy accompanied by the dog who symbolizes the soul and guardian of otherworldly things, the faithful companion. I want to be this Fool who is wholly trusting, heedless and ready to go off into whatever adventure, but overwhelmingly there is this nagging guard posted in my ear that worries and worries about the very practical until its worries are, in fact, no longer very practical at all.
I grew up in a house of worry. My mother was endlessly worried and dramatically afraid. It didn't stop her from making poor choices, and it didn't make our lives any better. There was an endless cycle of poor decision making, bad planning, and then nail biting anxiety. It reminds me of a talk a spiritual teacher gave about how difficult the spiritual life was, saying, "We don't have models. Our mothers and fathers were like this, everyone around us is like this. It is hard to get better." And it is hard. Depending upon what path one came from and whatever angle, one might say, "I want peace. I want power. I want to experience love. I want to love God. I want forgiveness. I want holiness" but often it seems like what we want is to simply escape the madness of the world, to stop being crazy.
So it is comforting that the Buddha's last words are "Strive on" that even in the blissful joy of the Hare Krishnas' chanting, we are reminding that spiritual life is "work". Closer to most of our homes are the constant injunctions of Jesus, such as: "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God..." (Acts 14.22) The hard work we go through is appropriate and normal. The fact that we are not yet as loving or courageous or faithful or peaceful as we wish we were, that it is a constant work, is not only fine, but expected.
The truth is that this Fool I wish I was is not a good thing, or even a human thing. He is, after all, a little mindless. It is not that he is faithful, he is thoughtless. He is not trusting in the goodness of the universe, he is just assuming that nothing will happen. He is not waiting to be caught in his fall. He doesn't even know there will be a fall. I was thinking this morning about a time in my life I often had much resentment over and realized it was the making of me. I became sadder and more thoughtful. The person I was before had no story, no cause, no real memories or sense of self. He was happy, but thoughtless and that is the Zero Card image, the Fool. The constant worrier is also the Fool, worrying despite all evidence there is no need, clinging to a past that cannot be retrieved. The Holiness of the Fool is in integrating these silly creatures, in the transformation or alchemy that takes one from the Zero space to 1, 2, 3 and the whole road of the Tarot, and this, in the end, is a work or waiting, and a work of grace.
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