On the Esbat of Midsummer

 We may have to wait for the Moon tonight, or we might miss it completely. The Esbats are always tricky. I ought obe writing this in then otebook and i'll probably go bac kt there soon. I ought ot be sittign at an alater, taking up what ever it wants to tell me. My gos is the altar. My God is the Craft. Over and above all ,that is my deity, the worship, the work, I needed to write in this journal just to know I needed to sit down and be still. All that needs to be done is done, all that needed to be told is told, All that can be explored at this moment is explored. Let the body be a teacher. All of my thoughts were no thoughts, half formed worries, mad twitches on the mind. This writing is, I think, my Kodacrhome.

Tonight I was going down the road of self pity, thinking of how I had no one to love and care for me, like a child or like a lover, and how in many ways I never did. But already today I had decided that maybe everything that was happening to me was pointing me in the direction of becoming a God Spouse, I think it still is. I was in great ecstasies today, and it came to me in the midst of evening Mass. Al others are dull to me. I suspect there is something within me that resists being cared for.

This is a sexless time, not just a "loveless time", something that sounds so Christian or so religious and moral, but also a time without passion, without lust. My own is fading. It is where I can barely remember how sex works and the pleasure I received is becoming a distant memory. In our magic, let us work for that as well, as well as the return of the King. But during this time I see so much of what i have forgotten, what has slipped behind. How to call on the forces beyond and become a part of them, how to actually, as the openinng lines in initation say, "leave behind the pleasant realms of men." Often I feel in a state of learning, an infant state, but one should not feel this wall all the time.

Right now I am thinking of the Great Year and how it aligns with the Liturgical Year of the Church. For a reason unknown, the Church Year is compacted into a space which is less than six months, a space which doesn't even take up half the year. But it looks like it is reflected in the Great Year, and how do we celebrate that: if we celebrate it.